and the ship is no longer overbooked but rather fully booked as of today- so we are set to sail!Of course, for some reason this trip seems to continuously throw some type of hurdle. Within ten minutes of confirming our Noordam transatlantic sailing, I was informed that my father was being rushed to the hospital. This scenario is tricky and complicated too.
My father has unfortunately been stolen from our lives by that ruthless thief known as Alzheimer's disease. He has been fighting this losing battle for the past decade and just six months ago we realized that we could no longer care for him to the level he needed being he has diabetes, high blood pressure, and is much more difficult to handle physically in this late stage as he has become aggressive due to never knowing what is going to happen. I'm certain that he, the father that I once knew would definitely want us to continue with our travel plans. I fear that the end is finally upon us, but it is so bitter sweet. I want to celebrate his life, his dreams and hopes for all of us as I have been mourning him for a long while now and maybe it's time to just make peace with ourselves. I vividly remember his joyful tears when my first son, his first grandchild, was born twelve years ago and how special it made me feel as I had never seen my own father cry.
I know that we have to give him permission to leave us now as it would break his heart to know he no longer has his dignity - he was a very proud, hardworking and practical man and loved my mother dearly. It would kill him to know the burden he has been to her in his late years. Now, the poor man is a 5'11" , 130lb helpless invalid who stares blankly into nothingness. If he goes now it is what's best for him and what he or anyone would want. My younger brother, sister in law, and nephew will be close to my father here in Miami should the inevitable crisis arise. My dad's relatives came to America on ships across the sea with proud Scottish roots and dreams of the new world; and so I am a twelfth generation American as a result of this journey. I guess our transatlantic journey may somehow be a memorial to my father and to how he always worked so hard to try and give us what we wanted or needed- the natural progression for each generation to hope for more for the next. Now, that's it, I've got it off my chest and believe in my heart that my father wants us to have an amazing time and find a way to leave our guilt and sorrow behind rather than bring it along as baggage. I only hope my mother can also find it in herself to forgive herself for not being able to care for him any longer and that she is only human and that my father always, always, put her on a pedestal and would want her to take her dream vacation while she still can due to her own illness. My parents relationship have given me strength, shown me courage, demostrated what unconditional love truly is, and taught me that decisions can be tough yet need to be made with full knowledge and reflection.
Life is so very short, we need to take, no better yet, make, the opportunities to fully enjoy and appreciate what we have and most of all who we have that's important in our lives and spend quality time with them.
I know too many people stuck in a rat race like hamster running ferociously on a spinning wheel thinking they are invincible or that there's always time to do something later in life. My brother's triumph over cancer, my mother's battle with Parkinson, my son's herculean efforts with trying to make his place in the world despite his Autism, and my father's long journey with Alzheimer's has made me reach out and do the things I've always wanted to do rather than putting them off. I want to share this transatlantic journey with my husband, children, mother and brother and fully enjoy it so that is what I am going to do!
To my dear father - I wish you could understand me, I wish I could converse with you and thank you for your love, your endless support, and your desire for all of us to find happiness and fulfillment in our lives. As a family,we will take this journey together with you in our hearts and find joy and comfort in one another's company. Most of all, we will grow and evolve together creating fond memories along with greater knowledge, experience, and wonder for the endless opportunites and lessons that await us in the ever-evolving world that will carry with us for the rest of our lives. I wish you could know your grandsons now, and how they to have yearned to know the real you as well. Your disease has motivated them to grow up wanting to make a difference in the world - like to find a cure for Alzheimer's, cancer, diabetes and more. Dad, I really want to wish you peace always and to know you are loved - love always, your daughter Kim
